]> Agilo's Weblog
There is no knowledge that is not power.Ed Boon for Mortal Kombat 3 (originally by Ralph Waldo Emerson)
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Friday, February 23 2007, 05:05PM

My state of being.

Lately I've been rethinking a lot of things in my life; I wouldn't call it mid-life crisis exactly but I have been thinking about what exactly it is I want out of life and my prospects as a being (don't worry, I'm not going to invoke faith or fantasized beings or whatnot).

The gist of it is that the more I near my desired goal, since childhood, (which is the level of education I may or may not start at the end of this year) the more I ask myself Is this really what I want?  Is this really who and what I want to become?  Shut away behind a computer doing what I do as a living?  Will I be able to actually do this for a living (as opposed to keeping it as a hobby)? and the more I wonder about other possibilities in life and the more I think of it, the easier it gets to just disregard it entirely.
But maybe I do have a point.. maybe I could just make a complete change while I still can, now, while it's still possible.. but then again, what the hell would I do?

Teachers aren't helping me much at school, either.
My mentor, a certain teacher and the dean all have absolutely no faith in me as a student whatsoever.
They only know me on the surface and base their assumptions on that what they see.
For instance, me using a word such as "implement" in one of the assignments and my mentor (note that this is an IT teacher) says I didn't write it myself and took it directly from the internet because (and I quote to show his stupidity): normal people do not use words like that.
Not only that, but they repeatedly tell me I'm not going to make it, I should stop school and get a job.

This all probably won't affect me much, though; I will keep going on track as I always have and go to the school I strove for all this time, I'm just curious as to what my life would be like doing something completely different. :P

Then there are recent happenings concerning love.

I used to think that love would be easy: you tell someone you love that person and tell her what she means to you, are prepared to do literally anything physically possible without limitation or hesitation and that if the love was replied everything would be alright.

I strove to keep that mentality the last couple of years as I became more active, socially, but more and more do I realize that I've been living in a fantasy world where everything is bright and colorful and nothing can go wrong.

No matter the kind of relationship I sought, I was always prepared to give it my full and time and time again I was let down.

I tried not to let it get to me too much and live on and a year ago I met the girl that would change my life, not only because it was the first girl in my life that I felt connected to but also because she was everything I always dreamed of; the perfect girl for me.
Not that I had plans of marriage or anything (:P) but I did really love this girl with all my heart, even though she had a boyfriend at the time, I felt there was room for something to exist between her and me.
Then when her relationship ended with him, I noticed a brief existence of freedom within her, ready to do whatever the hell she wanted.
I never did try to exploit that, I just experienced it the way it happened and hoped it would lead into something to come into existence.

She always said that she didn't feel the same way and maybe I was blind to her truth but I still had high hopes as I experienced being with her.

That all ended when she announced she met someone, shattering me like nothing before.

Time past and wounds healed, I guess; to quickly continue the story without going into further detail.

I do always think it funny the way she (after it was over with that guy she met) eventually ended up with one of my closest friends, though; I can only say I'm truly sorry for standing in the way at the beginning.
It would be a lie to say I have no mixed feelings about this, though.
I don't mind it, I just noticed it feels odd when I'm around them, seeing them be together, and I start to do stupid things to distract myself from what's really going on.
Again: I don't mind it much, I don't want to put a stop to this or anything (really), I just always thought that it wouldn't affect me that much.

Anyway, to continue.. I then met Gwen and slowly began to let my past feelings go, passing it on to Gwen.
She told me she loved me and wanted to see me via webcam often, always telling me she wanted to be with me.
Then the day finally came when we met on December 29th (It wasn't just us two, it was a meeting with online friends she had organized) and it was really wonderful.
We kept being close together and eventually (discretely) held hands often, sitting together, that sort of thing.

Never in my life was I happier than from that day on.
Never did anyone say such lovely things to me and I will never forget what she said on Christmas and new years' eve; the sweetest things I had ever hear someone say to me.

Then we met on January 2nd and, well, we all know how that turned out.

After that, things took a turn for the worst (I won't go into this, but it really wasn't to do with me or what happened on January 2nd).
We patched things up and left it behind us, but things weren't altogether good anymore.
When it finally seemed to be going into the right direction, she gave me the loneliest feeling I had ever experienced in my life and it shattered me completely, it tore a hole in my heart so deep I couldn't act or say anything to her anymore, I couldn't bare the sight of her.

My weblog missed this event, but this all happened during an official JM2 meeting we both attended where (very shortly put) she acted as if I was just some friend that was there, getting no real attention of any kind, instead her turning every attention to her best friend (who was also there — and he really is just her best friend, not boyfriend, that is to say that she isn't physically attracted to him, for the record) and acting very juvenile (drinking and being touchy-feely with eachother), and I was just standing there watching it all happen.
I tried making the best of it, thinking I was just not used to friends being together and alcohol being tossed around so heavily, but things went progressively worse up to the point where I couldn't stand the sight of her (it was at this point she made this picture of me).
Even though she was there and I was with her, I never felt so alone in all of my life.
It hurt me so much I couldn't think anymore, I couldn't do much of anything.

We left the meeting by bus and I never knew it was possible for two people who love each other to be so damaged it brought tears to our eyes laying eyes on each other.
We didn't say a single word for the entire trip which lasted about an hour and 15 minutes!
When she left, she did take the initiative when saying goodbye to give me a hug, but I was so torn I literally couldn't move my hands to return the hug and I was unable to say anything.
It was then, I think, she realized the seriousness of what I went through.

We talked and talked and talked and eventually (after a few weeks) got over it but it left us both scarred and, well, we know how that turned out.

As I'm writing this, I'm in no way trying to get Gwen back; it's over for both of us and I don't think I'd want her back after what she's done.
I won't hate her for what happened (I will forever remember her for the good times I experienced) but I do resent her for never giving more input trying to work on our relationship (God knows I have).

Getting back to my views on love; I've talked to a guy I've known for the longest time now, who has never had any problems with the ladies (so to speak) who told me that by telling her I love her and letting her know exactly what I felt it was exactly that which made her lose interest.
That it's always best to let the girl work for it more; doing the dance of love, as they say.
As he was telling me this, I took solace in what he said as he said it but in the back of my mind I was thinking Why the hell does it have to be so goddamn complicated?  Why can't people just say what they really feel and make things so much easier!?. :S

Maybe he's right, though, and maybe other people are right as well; to treat girls like shit so as to make them come at you in flocks, and why not?  It seems to work for the people doing it like this..

Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship.. but I just can't shake the feeling of loneliness (even though you wouldn't see it by looking at me in daily life).

Anyway, if you've made it through this far into this (rather messy, in my opinion) weblog entry (and I should thank you for caring): don't worry, I won't do anything stupid I'll regret and no, I won't turn emo and start cutting myself like some attention whore and no, this weblog entry isn't meant to arouse pity or guilt or much of anything.
I just wanted to put my current situation and feelings on to paper (so to speak). :)


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